How Your Boy Band Crush Secretly Determined Your Future

With the wave 90’s boy bands recently reuniting on stage, adult females are suddenly busting out faded concert t-shirts from the back of closets throughout America. 98 Degrees, New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys have all decided to pretend it’s 1998 again, and for someone that regularly jams to the “Ace of Base Station” on Pandora, things couldn’t be better.

But while recently jamming out to Brian Littrell’s massively underrated “The Perfect Fan” (much like Britney Spears’ oft-overlooked seminal classic “Dear Diary”), I had a startling thought. In an effort to be a preteen realist, I had always picked a lesser member of each boy band to be my favorite. You know, the not hot one. It had just seemed logical. If I went after a dude with less girls waving his name on homemade glittered signs, I had a greater chance of snagging said unpopular dude. Better to be on a yacht with a famous ug-mo than alone with an autographed poster.

And that’s when I realized. Your choice of boy band crush says more about you than you think it does.

Let’s take a look at some people we both may just know.

Kevin Richardson

If you were one of the very, very few girls that pined for Kevin “The Forgotten One” Richardson, then you were wise beyond your years. Kevin is now a stable, attractive, millionaire.

He’s not one to be featured on a VH1 show about celebs that went bankrupt. No, Kevin turned out to be a keeper.

If you loved Kevin, you probably preferred to be in the background. You majored in engineering, science or statistics. You saw possibilities where others saw only emptiness. Your heroes are Madame Curie and Galileo. You frequent Renaissance festivals, but never dress up.

You now have a job title with the word “assistant” or “assistant to” in it. You dream of someday taking an Alaskan cruise to see the Northern Lights.

AJ McLean

If you used to doodle your first name followed by McLean on your Trapper Keeper’s cover, you probably longed for a little extra excitement as a teen. You were a good student, participated in student government, theater or a myriad of other extra curricular school activities. With AJ’s tattoos and drinking, he was just risqué enough to earn the label of “The Bad Boy” for the Backstreet Boys. You spent hours fantasizing about him shaking up your suburban life. But in retrospect, I think we can all agree that anyone that has various Chinese character tattoos—basically, the 90’s guy equivalent of the tramp stamp–is no bad boy. Besides, drinking was the best addiction he could come up with as a musician? It just seems lazy.

You are now a teacher, lawyer, librarian, or work in non-profit and use phrases like, “sustainable growth” regularly. (Author’s Note: Due to the duality of AJ McLean’s image, you might have also turned out to be insane and work at places that require “hot-pants.” But there is no middle ground here; an AJ fan is either an extremely productive person in society… or favors extensions and Raccoon Eye Makeup. Take your pick.).

Nick Carter

You enjoy romance. Nick Carter said, “I’ll never break your heart” and you listened. Oh, yes, you listened–with a metaphorical umbrella to welcome Nick out of the music video’s (strangely indoor) rain shower.

You have approximately 63 pictures of your cat or puppy on your cell phone. You refuse to get a Kindle because you like the smell of library books. You excel in long relationships, and enjoy pretty men. You like the gym, but prefer hiking.

You work as a rock climbing instructor, waitress, or high-powered executive. The love of Nick Carter knows no bounds.

Lance Bass

Your adult life has admittedly had some disappointments. You thought you were different—falling for the charming, funny guy. Sometime between NSync’s first album and No Strings Attached Lance got highlights, discovered some new dance moves and you were foolishly into it. (Author’s Note: Never date a guy with highlights. It will only end in tears, ladies.). You supported him through his starring role in a film that was basically Serendipity-adjacent. You secretly still have his Puppet Action Figure and the belief that your attraction to him was justified at the time.

You went to college and got a liberal arts degree and then didn’t know what to do with it. You have friends that claim to be more spiritual than religious. You enjoy a good vodka tonic and any movie that Netflix describes as “Emotional with a strong female lead.”

You are now a poet, painter, or perhaps even a part-time DC blogger.

- A ‘I swear, Spanish Eyes is an underrated song’ Lindsay

About Lindsay Golder

Freelance writer, book-fiend, lover of shamefully bad films regularly featured on TBS or TNT.

2 Responses to “How Your Boy Band Crush Secretly Determined Your Future”

  1. Oh Dear God, that was spot on… I had a thing for Lance as a kid, horribly disappointed he’s now playing for the team.

  2. At least I now know what an “ugmo” is.

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